Alone

It’s been a while since I posted anything. And even longer since I posted about how I feel. In fact, the last time I really posted was September. And I’ve realized that maybe people think I am feeling any better, because I don’t bring it up all the time. But…I’m not.

In fact, as we have kept on with COVID and the constant restrictions that we keep living under (just had another month added on today), I’m feeling even more alone. In the [past, I could at least go out and see family, if nothing else. Now, we can’t. We are restricted to our own households.

I’m not…alone…at home. But sometimes you just wish you could see other people. And even though I go to work sometimes still, or have video calls with work, its not quite the same. Sometimes I just wish I cold go and just sit in a movie theatre. Sit in a coffee shop without having to be socially distanced from the table right beside you.

Of course, I have no idea if I would do this. But it was nice to have the option to do so.

As always, my mind keeps going back to wanting to have someone special in my life.  No matter how many people keep saying to just let it go and just let whatever happens, happen. I just can’t get that feeling out of my head. That I’m alone in life. And as time goes on, and as I get older, it just seems like its more likely to be the way that things always will be. And no, I don’t like it.

I’ve eve tried some of the dating apps out there. And guess what? So far, all I have got from them is disappointment. I’ve had some friends suggest ones that they thought were good and even help write  a profile (because I do not know how to write about myself that well), but I either get nobody showing interest in me or they send a single message and than disappear/delete themselves. I get that not everybody is going to work out, but it would be nice if people gave you a chance. Who knows? Maybe I am expecting too much with just wanting to get to know someone. It’s hard to tell.

All this to say, I’m still feeling poorly. I have said in the past that I wish people would be willing to help me try and move forward. But its been difficult to get anyone to listen – including my doctor. I finally got a first meeting to talk with someone about this, but it took pressing for it since October. I just worked at a wedding where the couples family helped them meet. And all I am asking for is some help. I don’t know what I am doing, and no matter how much people try to say they have been through the same stuff, its different for everyone. Is hoping for some assistance too much to ask for?

Let’s Talk….

Today is Bell Let’s Talk Day. A day when we talk about mental health. And this is the first one where I have actually been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. So, let’s talk….

Before I begin, I’m still really new to all of this and so I don’t necessarily know a lot about everything. But I’m trying to learn. Some may say this is a result of a global pandemic. And they may be partially right. But…I kind of think that this is something that’s been there for a while now and it just became more obvious this last year. After all, we have had a lot of time to be at home and thinking.

So, what do I think brought this on? It’s a combination of things. But…I have shared my thought in the past here and how I relate it to feeling alone a lot of the time. And people are always telling me “well, things happen when they happen” because I sometimes feel down for never even having been able to ask someone out or date. I mean, it’s a hard thing to explain because so many people have at least tried to date in high school or university. But I am not one of them. It’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s that I didn’t know how to get past the shyness and anxiety of speaking to new people. In fact, I still don’t. I keep trying different things to hopefully help me but so far I’m not finding the right one. I’m working at getting into some sort of help that will hopefully help this out, but it’s a long process. Especially during a pandemic and in a place where mental health support is not readily available.

This quote sort of sums up the feelings I have been realizing I have had for years:

“I’ve been alone my whole life…and I told myself I liked it that way, but I don’t”…


The Good Place

And up until recently, it was more of a waking moment’s only thing. However, in the last little it, I am not even dreaming about how I am alone and feel like I may be forever. And for some people, that may be fine for them. But…I don’t think it is for me.

So really I don’t even know where I am going with this. I have no brilliant thought or even a way where I see this story ending. It’s just beginning. And I know that. I just wish that the supports that we really do need were more easily available and I knew what to do.

Hopefully some day…

Just being honest with everyone today I guess?

I don’t think I have ever been this honest on here before, so…here goers nothing I guess….

The other day, I saw an article from the BBC that sort of describes me much better and more eloquently than I have ever been able to. It essences, it says;

“…but I experienced a sense of shame, and I felt stigmatised. I was a terribly shy and anxious person, but not isolated. I always had friends but I was never able to translate that into intimate relationships. At school and sixth form I was surrounded by girls and women, but I never made the kind of move that is probably quite a normal one to make. By the time I reached university, my pattern was set…”

That hit way too close to home. And it is true. I am terribly shy and anxious about, well, basically everything. It does feel stigmatizing to be in my mid 30s and have never been in any sort of relationship. I have never been able to make any sort of “move” that is considered normal for guys, either my age or younger. And I feel stuck in a pattern I am not able to get out of.

While a date or anything like that is not the be all and end all, it still doesn’t make you feel good about yourself. And it isn’t like this is the first time I’ve ever felt like that. Back when people I knew were getting married and I was going to their weddings, often the only thing I could think was

“I really hate weddings”.

They are designed to cater specifically to people who have a date to them and if you don’t, you’re basically stuck sitting in a corner by yourself.

I’ve had a lot of time to think about this sort of stuff and i honestly think it has been building up for years and maybe now I am just at a a point where I can get these feelings out. I am so scared of talking to people and this means that even if I want to talk to someone, i get physically sick feelings and sometimes feel like I’m going to throw up. It’ll definitely not that I don’t want to have some sort of a relationship- because I do. I just don’t know how to go about it. I’m almost at a point where I think I need someone to set me up with. Unfortunately, the few people I know up here, don’t seem all that interested in helping me out.

I’ve just been watching people all around me getting into relationships and while I am happy for them, it makes me feel bad about myself.

One of the things that I am beginning to think more and more is that I have undiagnosed social anxiety. Based on some reading I have done and other things, I seem to fit the mold pretty well. Although I want to be out and doing stuff with others, I also feel anxious about doing it because I feel like I will not be able to contribute anything to a group of people. Based on past experiences, where people would plan to do things and everyone in a group other than me would be invited/told about it, my mind automatically assumes it is because they don’t want me there, whether it be true or not. Things like this can really destroy your confidence in both yourself and others, and therefore lead to other difficulties down the road.

And while I know these are all things that I do need to work on, it doesn’t mean that they will be easy to do. I’ve had 30 years of dealing with these sorts of things and so they have become so much of my personality (especially offline) that it’s going to be a long process. I don’t really even now where to begin because there is so much to deal with but maybe writing some of it down will help get me there.

And unfortunately, there is no one near me who would truly understand the struggles of diabetes and how it can not only affect you physically but mentally as well. I have looked into Diabetes Canada and there major focus appears to be Type 2 and I have no issue with them also helping out those with type 2 but our struggles are different and I feel they need to be fairer in their programming. I have even written them a letter where I basically tell them that as someone living with type 1, I feel that there is a lot of work they still need to do to help s out as well. Unfortunately, I have yet to see any changes in how they do things other than an even more intense focus on type 2.

And then, there was school. All throughout (elementary and high school), I had many people in my class who honestly believed that diabetes was contagious and as such used that as an excuse to avoid me. There were many projects that I ended up doing on my own because no one wanted to be my partner, or if we were assigned partners, you could tell that they were just looking for any excuse to get out as quickly as possible.