As we start diabetes awareness month for this year, I started to reflect on strange things. The biggest being how much I hate this disease. Not what you usually think people are maybe going to say when it is supposed to be a month of awareness. But it is looking at things that people maybe don’t think about in terms of diabetes.
I hate the way it keeps me awake at night. I hate that it involves me having to constantly e thinking about what I eat and how it will affect me. It can keep me awake in so many different ways – from dealing with a stubborn low or high blood sugar or even waiting for your continuous glucose monitor to warm up so that I can go to bed and at least have a small bit of comfort knowing that something is at least looking out for me while I sleep.
I have the way that it caused others to treat me throughout my life. From people saying I was contagious to people just not understanding that there is no such thing as a “good” type of diabetes, I hate it all. Throughout school, I never had many friends. I hate that too. I was always the outcast, the kid that everyone didn’t want to be around. And as a human being, that can hurt. It doesn’t feel good.
I hate the fact that I have had to go to the emergency room SO MANY TIMES. I have been there so often I pretty much know where everything is. I even have figured out how to speak their language and read the monitors. I hate the fact that I have woken up in a room surrounded by doctors and nurses, and not knowing how I got there. I hate that I have had to be admitted to an ICU in multiple cities because of diabetes. I hate all of the tests. The exams. The questions. The fact that whenever I see a new doctor the first thing they see is someone with diabetes. Even before I have had the chance to talk to them, there first thought is “how does the diabetes affect this”?
I hate the fact that my whole life has led to a point where I have so much anxiety that I have never been able to walk up to someone and talk to them. I hate the fact that I have never been on a single date in my life. I hate that I maybe put out a vibe that that is okay with me. I just hate the way that nothing has seemed to turn out well for me.
I hate the fact that diabetes has affected my life at school. I’ve missed so many classes, had to do extra work to catch up…because of doctors’ appointments, hospital admissions, or just plain feeling not quite right. It has affected my work life too. So many times, I drop low when I try to do physical work. I hate that.
I hate the fact that I feel like it wouldn’t be safe to live on my own with how I have woken up to paramedics over me, giving me medication to bring my blood sugar back up. I hate that people don’t understand that and will constantly try to tell me I just need to “grow up” and get my own place. I hate that even when I try to explain the reason to them it just goes right over their heads.
Diabetes sucks. And this is just a short look at some of the things I hate about it.